terça-feira, 21 de abril de 2015

I am angry [also posted on reddit/r/offmychest]

I am angry. I am very angry. Oh, I'm so f* angry for everything, and you are just the beginning of it.

For years and years and since I can remember myself as a person, since I moved out of my confort space where I lived a peaceful and happy childhood, I have been tormented by this f* anger, always burning in my chest. And always for the same f* reason: being an outcast. People I had to turn to for socialization, the only ones around, always put me aside of their personal matters because I wasn't "cool". Because of this I tried to fit in, to be "normal", I even came to the point of wanting to be stupid like them because I could see they envied my having better grades. I grew accustomed to mirror the other person's attitude as an attempt to be someone they would like to hang around with. I was always helpful and kind whenever I felt confortable enough to speak, on the rare moments when I didn't feel like I would be despised or told to shut up. I got used to living in the shadow and to experience others' victories as my own, to be genuinely happy for them.

That's all a big, messy mountain of crap.

I always knew I wasn't worse than anyone else (from a moral point of view; each of us has virtues to be cherished and reasons to be loved for). That's why I was able to stand up, again and again, after mediocre people tried to push me to the ground. That's why I was able to regain some love for myself after seeing myself as nothing but a piece of meat because some pedo tried to have his way when I was eleven. That's why I mentally spit in all their faces and moved on to try and find people more like me, educated people that would have some more sense to them. It took me a while, but I found some of them. One is my best girl friend; another one is you.

You have no reason to know this but since you're not listening I'll tell you. Liking a person is both the holiest miracle I can hope for and the the most dreadful nightmare to me. Because I don't often find people I truly like, let aside even love, I hold on to them as hard as I can; no one wants to live alone. But also because of some other thing I can't seem to understand, these people almost never seem to reciprocate in the same manner; that is, liking me any better than the average friend. And that f* kills me, and it's been killing me for ages now. That's why I stayed with an emotionally disturbed and abusive boyfriend, my first and only to date: because it may have been obcession on his part, but it felt like love. "Felt" is the key word, because it's such a novelty to me, feeling such a strong emotion on the other part. You couldn't have known, of course, that because of him and the two "dates" I had after him I was left in such a despairing state of mind that I became depressed, and sought profissional help for something I had sworn to myself I could take care of: my well being and my choices.

And in the first moment when I was finally able, after a year a half of dark skies, rain and internal storms, to open my eyes again for the beauty outside and inside of me, I laid my eyes on you. You were plain. Only, you know, I was horny, like girls have a right to be sometimes. So I took a secong glance. And a third. And I listened. And I sat with you for four hours straight in the train listening to your fascinating stories of wildlife adeventures, scyfy-WWI books and conspiracy theories on Mars chocolates. I noticed you have amazing eyes, much like mine. I noticed we share an incredible amount of tastes. We talked a lot that weekend, you and I, even though there were other people. I wouldn't have needed all that vodka to lay on the bed beside you, trying to get closer and closer, as everyone else slept and you told me about the fantastic features of your smartphone (I'm assuming now you're phone is smarter than you). You don't know this, but I'm not a slut. I've wanted to be with you since that night because I feel something for you, and it's been a long while since that happened.

Now I did all I could to get your attention. You can imagine the flutter in my chest when I saw you had messaged me first in facebook (wow, feeling so 15yo all of a sudden). I felt great when you suggested we go out (only I couldn't then, work still has to be done and you can't have that much importance in my life but, oh, what am I saying? It appears you do now), and I felt even better when you accepted my invitation and we were together for 10hours straight... I never invite people out. And I sure as hell never intended to be the one leaving you with a token of me (that little flower I carried around all day). But I did, because I wanted you to notice me. Because I felt like I was worth knowing, and I knew that you'd like me if you knew me. I still do, and that's why I haven't given up, even after you've shown no regret in having to decline my invitation for a camping trip with the rest of the guys, which I was looking forward to so very much.

I still try to find a way to talk to you and ask you out, because I know you're so different in facebook than you are in real life (and because, like me, you're not able to lie for such a petty thing as this), but god f* damn it I haven't got a clue what the f* is going on here. I am angry because you don't give me any time to express myself, but you're still a nice guy. I'm angry because I feel like I have no reason to be angry at you and you still f* me up completely! I don't want to go back to my anxiety pills but at this rate I will have to. F, man... Just a f little chance, an opening. I'm worthy.
I'm also angry because you didn't eat the pie I baked for the rehearsal the other day, but I'll let that go if you prove worthy of it.

For all of you thinking of commenting along the lines of «just face it girl, he's not into you, you have to move on, blah blah blah»: not really the kind of support I'm looking for. Actually, I'm not even sure I'm looking for support. I just posted this because I was f* tired of all this stuff in my chest, all the frustration and despair and pain and loneliness, and it seems seeing a psychologist isn't helping as much as I hoped. So that's it Reddit. Do you want some pie?

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